Lets reflect shall we.....Future is bright..wear shades.

Ever find yourself looking back.  Looking where you were, reflecting, comparing who you were 6 months before, a year before, 10 years before.  Thinking that maybe if you shared, you could help someone else out there feeling low?

I do this alot.  If I wrote it down every time I did it, i'd have time for nothing else.  I find reflection healthy.  It's the only way to learn.  Look back, see where things changed, own what you contributed to that change and then work through it, either make it better or stay the same.  But at least reflect. 

Reflection is good.  Opening up and being honest about your past can only enhance your future.
At least, that is how I see things.

A year ago, my world forever changed.  Life had been rocky for awhile, not going to lie about that.  The ex and i had become distant.  Different people.  At the time, I figured this was as good as life was going to get, that everyone goes through these spells that it would be fixable.  It wasn't.  He filed.  I can look back now and say, yup, brave was the right thing to do.  But at the time, i was devastated.  Felt like my whole world was just imploding.  Kid, house, a lifetime of family and friends was ALL going to change.  And I hated him for a short period.  And I say a short period, because that is what it truly was, a short period.  So it started with "we can get through this without animosity" and "we'll do this as easily as possible"
yeah LIES
It never goes that way.  I dont care who you are, what your situation is, there will come a time, if you ever have to go through this, where that is all just BULLSHIT. 
We got angry
We got hurt back and forth
We got even cruel.
However, we grew up.  I dont think I have ever had a span of growth like the one I had in the first 6 months of that separation.    To learn, to respect that your CHILD's welfare is above all else the most important thing ever.  To realize that a house, while it was a home at one time, is just a thing.  That spending countless hours going through EVEYRTHING you ever bought together, took pictures of, saved, they are, in the end, just things. 
The day I lost my Star cat...my buddy, my forever bud, even then, my ex was there.  Not as a husband anymore, but there was caring left  He was still, able to show compassion for the pet i loved for 8 years.  Was there to drive me home when I couldn't see the road for crying.. it's a moment like that, when you start to reflect.... Could we get past the cruelty..the hate....the upset?
You have to learn from this.  Grow from it and move ever forward.

There is no point in giving into to the hate.  I realize people can.  I realize and own that I was going there, that I started to get reckless...not caring about anyone other than myself.....started to get selfish.
I stopped.  I knew that regret would settle in if i didn't stop.

So I decided to grow instead.
Funny thing about deciding to grow instead of wallow.  You start to be able to let go of hurt.  Of upset...and you can even start to smile.
you begin to appreciate those around you that even when you were at your lowest, were still there.
You recognize bullshit much quicker and it becomes easier to remove people from your life that do nothing but drag you down.
You're able to find new love.  New adventures, new happiness.

Dont get me wrong, it wasn't all this magical unicorn filled wonderness...it took work.  And it was SCARY as all hell. 
But  here I stand.  A year later.  Bought a home.  Have done it on my own.  My son is happy, best i've ever seen him as of late.  And for the first time, in a long time, I can say that I am happy.

And what became of all the hate between my ex and I?

Well, we dont hate each other, that's for sure.
We definately made the right decision in not being together
We're both  happier people apart.
We've both met new people and while I can't speak for him personally, I know im happier in my personal life.
Do we interfere in each others lives....definately not.  I honestly thought at a point we might, but in the end, we both agreed, nothing good comes of that.  Seriously i've known  him for 22 years, i can read him like a book, and im sure vice versa, but I dont care what he does now.  As long as our child is happy and safe, he can date who he likes.
It's not like I have any right to do that.  And why cause the headache.

So for anyone out there feeling low.  Feeling like you can't "do" something because it's too hard
it's never too hard.
it's up to you to decide how you wish to live
how you wish to view the world
and how you want to grow as an adult...
So strap on the big boy/girl panties...and move forward.
Live by YOUR rules
Try to keep that golden rule close
and find happiness.....

Religion, judgement, karma and various other insundries....

Let me say that I have never been a religious person. Have I gone to church, yes.  However, the idea that you can't have any kind of spirituality without sitting in the same pew in the same church every week has never made much sense to me as I got older.  I don't get it.  How can anyone profess that God is everywhere but you HAVE to be in a specific place in order to touch base, say hi, pray, check in, give money, whatever with "someone" that is everywhere.  Literally I have had that debate with so many people, it' exhausts me.  So we'll say, for arguments sake that I am "spiritual".  I believe in a higher being, I just like to believe that when I talk, "he" or "she"  listens, wherever I am and we'll leave it at that.  I like to think "he" or "she" is comfortably sitting somewhere with a beverage of their choice, listening to some good tunes and generally loving the world.  That's just how I see it, don't judge.

Speaking of judge, I have been the target of this wonderful "emotion" on occasion and as I get older, I find that I have less and less tolerance for it. I just don't.  Judge lest ye be judged is what is printed yes?  That's the old adage?  I wish people who preached that could actually follow it.  As I've gotten older, I have really understood, this is not always the case.  It happens.  People will judge People will be negative.  Anything short of screaming in another person's face isn't going to stop it.  YOU can't make people not judge or not be negative.   Some do it for sport or amusement and to be hurtful.  Some do it without even trying.  That it's just ingrained in their psychie to be judgemental.  I have judged.  I have paid for it when it's happened. I have felt regret, i've offered apologies.  Sometimes it's been received, sometimes not.  When it hasn't been, i've had to shake it off, understand that some people just aren't "there" yet..  That they haven't had the "I dont want to be negative" wake up call.  I guess that is part of growing up and getting older.   For me anyway.

 What gets my goat is those that continue to judge and never seem to have a fallout.  Never seem to be called out on it, never seem to "pay the price".  As a younger woman that always used to frustrate me to the core.  Older now I see it more clearly.

Those people live with negativity forever.  It's part of who they are.  They cannot be happy unless they are stepping on someone else and I think to myself, no, i'd never want to be that way.  To obtain pleasure from being judgemental? Negative? Who would WANT to live like that, let alone choose too.  Who would want that poison running through their veins like a timebomb waiting to explode.  I've learned this is not my problem to solve. However much I would like too, it just isn't my problem. 

I thought long ago, I could have been one of those people.  I've been mean, hurtful, judgemental, even emotionally cruel.  I think we all have.  I don't think one person, who is honest with themselves can say that they HAVEN'T had a moment or a series of moments like that.  No one is perfect.

However, I'm so glad I have moved away from it.  Shed negative people from my immediate surroundings.  When you do it, you lose people. it's going to happen, but you also gain people.  It's just the circle isn't it?  Truth becomes apparent, lies are shown.  It happens over time.  Sadly,  some still want to play the game while some of us just want to stop playing.  The streetlights have come on and it's time to go home.  To grow up.  To move on.  It happens.  Knowing when to walk away is the best feeling int eh world.  The reward in doing what is right is all you need.  The rest, will come out in the wash as my Grandma always said.

As for Karma, She's still a bitch, I am NOT messing with her!

Happy day to you!

New Blog, New Me

I find myself at a new point in my life.

So new blog, new me.

Turned 40 in September 2013.

A turning point, turning 40 and getting separated, after almost 18 years of marriage, 22 years in total with the same person.  Seems like a lifetime, I mean it is a lifetime.  But isn't 40 the new 30?
Someone said that.  Not me, most days 40 feels like "OMG im 40 WTF" but in the grander scheme of things, im trying to keep some sort of perspective here.

40....got it
Separated, yes im aware, signed the papers.
New home, check, did that too, bought a condo
Met someone new whom i've been dating for almost 5-6 months now, ok...it's a good thing.

Now what.

Where is the fanfare, the explosive HEY world im here parade...wasn't that supposed to happen as well? Maybe im expecting too much.  Probably true, I usually do.  One of my biggest downfalls.

My blog will be my outlet... a place for me to write things down when I need to, to vent, to scream to get down everything that floats around in my head because really if I dont, my head might actually explode

or I will, either way.......

Welcome......